Mother Nature the Whore. A Day at the Office.

dayatoffice

Don’t you love when people post these photos? Life looks so glam!

Mother Nature is a whore. She’s a beautiful sunny day once guests arrive, tantalizing you with her beautiful rays of sunshine while you feel your freshly shaven leg hair grow in an air conditioned ice box. She’ll tease you the first few days until exhaustion from guests sets in. She knows. Out of nowhere, torrential down pouring rain with gale force wind that was neither predicted, nor seen off in the distance shows up to play. A deckies worst nightmare. Cover. Uncover. Chamois. Rinse. Repeat. Defeat. All the while guests are restlessly stuck inside nagging for drinks, snacks, or needlessly milling about.

Thought: Get a hobby. 

High pitched cheerful stewardess voice: Here, why don’t you try Monopoly!

As much as we’ve all tried, they’ll never play Monopoly. Stop suggesting it. The only *off the record suggestion I have is to keep a few little blue pills around as cocktail additives. Not those little blue pills. No one wants to clean sticky sheets. I’m only vaguely suggesting nap time – is happy time.

Unless your guests are terrified of the big blue ocean, they’ll want to travel at some point. This leads to hours of stowing and prepping the boat for departure. Once again, slipping them another little pill – Dramamine or Bonine. Nothing will make you seasick quicker than watching a guest revisit their morning three egg omelet.

I envy the photos my fellow yachtie friends post. They always travel on the most surreal beautiful calm days. “Cruising 16kts & catching some rayzzz” You know what. Fuck you. A. Because you used poor grammar. (mine isn’t always perfect) B. Because I never get those days.

In the past million years, we’ve had two days in a row from Harbour Island to Chub Cay, then from Chub to Fort Lauderdale of smooth as glass ocean. I soaked up every ounce of it. Please see above photo collage. Brilliant.

Here’s my beef with Mother Nature the Whore. For some reason, she hates us. Do you know our typical weather? Well, it’s routinely predicted something like this:

Example: SAT… N TO NW WINDS 15 TO 20 KT. SEAS 3 TO 5 FT.  You know what that actually meant?

Reality: SAT… N TO NW WINDS 30 TO 40 KT. GUSTS TO 65 KT. PREPARE TO SURF SEAS 20+ FT. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot?

I haven’t said this yet, but I will say it again. I’ve never gotten sick underway. Knock on wood. In the Reality above, I did cuddle the salon bar trash can and Tika while wedged between the main salon couches. In no way could I have gone to the pilot house. Panic attack 1000.

We have, on more than one occasion, had this happen to us. We’ve cross referenced no less than 6 major marine and wind weather sites. Yes, we have a beautiful ocean going yacht. Yes, we’ve tested her capabilities. Almost. Every. Time.

Screen Shot 2014-03-14 at 9.06.07 PM

This prime example of a meteorology degree at work shows that Saturday’s seas (today) will be 6 to 9 feet. This comes from the weather dot gov website. If I were to show the Wunderground Marine weather site, it would say 3 to 5 feet. It’s been blowing 20+ kts for 3 days. I’ll assume 6 to 9 feet is more like 12 – 18 feet. Go eat a hot dog Wunderground and give up your day job.

I will post a comment on what todays ACTUAL seas were. If we go. With guests on. No thank you. I cross our fingers and stow our lives that Lady Luck will always be on our sides.

Jess sig3

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2 thoughts on “Mother Nature the Whore. A Day at the Office.

  1. Okay, like I said, I’ll post the actual seas. Weather Underground was right. I said it once, but I’ll never say it again. There was a brief hour or two where the swells were large with some chop on top. It made for a salty voyage. Overall, we stuck to the lee of land and had a wonderful trip. Maybe I should call “people” whores more often.

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